[Quinny]

Just to prove I don't 'hate' Americans - even willing to have you back -

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[GHung]

Tea time is good, and a least she didn't abolish 4:20. As for spell checking, my linux box only does English English anyway, though I'll stop correcting English English to American English at her command.

Somebody needs to let her know that the Japanese play baseball.

[ROCKMAN]

Actually works OK for us in Texas. Since we were never a colony or even a territory of the US but an independent country that volunteered to join those United States we could probably handle being an independent country again. It would put us in the same league of oil producers as Venezuela, Brazil and Norway. And we would also be one of the largest NG producers and refining countries on the planet.

[Lore]

I'm all for giving Texas independence. Just as long as we can also cut off any financial and military aid.

[Plantagenet]

It wouldn't do to have the US rejoin the UK.

Obama would exhaust himself bowing and curtseying to all the members of the jumped up Brit royalty.

[Paulo1]

Are skull tatoos still allowed...with flames and dismemberment? What about pop at breakfast, or do they have to drink tea? Will they have to learn world geography? And how will they communicate if they can't speak american? (In Canada we are a little sensitive to this topic having been subject to tourism by motor home, forever it seems. Yes, I know you guys get sick of us shopping 'down there'.)

Paulo (ex American)

This all reminds me about 15 years ago when I traveled with son to my sisters for a family Christmas. She lives down below Bellingham and we cross the border at Blaine WA. The US customs agent looked at my Canadian passport and asked why my son was not American if I had been born in the US. I told him my son was born in Powell River, and had never lived anywhere else than BC. I said, "we are Canadian. I live, work, and pay taxes in canada". But, he said," he could be American, why haven't you done this yet"? The customs agent looked to be about 25, and at the time I was almost 40. He just could not comprehend why I gave up my citizenship and why I stood in the way of my son's future? I actually had no polite answer to give him and finally told him that I probably should think about it. With that, he let us move on.

[basil_hayden]

That's funny, I had heard we were going to allow a couple of grossly indebted island nations in as the 51st and 52nd states; I knew one was Puerto Rico, I guess the other one was Great Britain!

[Quinny]

I just hope they open the borders to Mexico love Tex-Mex food

[Loki]

Looking forward to the influx of English hotties...





And enjoying that refined British culture:





I suppose we'll have to stop brushing our teeth and bathing regularly, and start eating shit food, babbling incomprehensible gibberish, rioting over the most boring team sport known to man, and dressing like this guy:

[Loki]

I just hope they open the borders to Mexico love Tex-Mex food

Um, the border is wide open, have been for some time. The nearest city to me is >25% Mexican, the town beyond that is >50%. Some good Mexican food around here.

[Sixstrings]

Just to prove I don't 'hate' Americans - even willing to have you back -

Would Her Majesty's Navy be taking command of our supercarriers too?

Friday (Un)Humor: Navy Warship 'Accidentally' Fires Torpedo At Nuclear Dockyard

Someone has obviously pushed the button, presumably by accident - the big question is who," as the Royal Navy stiff-upper-lippedly stated "during a training exercise, an inert Test Variant Torpedo unexpectedly jettisoned onto the wharf.


http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2014-03-14/friday-unhumor-navy-warship-accidentally-fires-torpedo-nuclear-dockyard

Looking forward to the influx of English hotties...
...
And enjoying that refined British culture:

OMG Loki

Okay, some random good things about Britain:

* rule of law and our British common law roots

* TV Shows -- I like an old show called Absolutely Fabulous, cracks me up, while a lot of people still like Dr. Who which I could never quite get. In general, I can't stand to watch most British TV -- it's like watching a play at community theater. *However*, many of our best shows are just American versions of the British originals. I like the American version of Shameless. And then there's The Office, though I actually liked the British version better. Hm, and I like Gordon Ramsay's British shows but not so much his American stuff (on the American Kitchen Nightmares it's all about the yelling, there's more about the food on the British version)

* A bunch of other stuff I'm sure, that I can't think of at the moment. I was in London, once. Didn't care for it. The people and the whole vibe seemed very cold to me. Though one very nice elderly lady told me not to waste my money on the Tower of London tour. I wanted to see it, but no, she was insistent it was a waste, and so I didn't.

Police were exceptionally nice, though.

* As far as Brits visiting the States, I've never met one I didn't like, and I can't say that for my fellow Americans

[Quinny]

Police were exceptionally nice, though.

You obviously weren't involved in anti establishment protest

http://revolution-news.com/barton-moss-woman-arrested-beaten-anti-fracking-protest/

Just to prove I don't 'hate' Americans - even willing to have you back -

Would Her Majesty's Navy be taking command of our supercarriers too?

Friday (Un)Humor: Navy Warship 'Accidentally' Fires Torpedo At Nuclear Dockyard

Someone has obviously pushed the button, presumably by accident - the big question is who," as the Royal Navy stiff-upper-lippedly stated "during a training exercise, an inert Test Variant Torpedo unexpectedly jettisoned onto the wharf.


http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2014-03-14/friday-unhumor-navy-warship-accidentally-fires-torpedo-nuclear-dockyard

Looking forward to the influx of English hotties...
...
And enjoying that refined British culture:

OMG Loki

Okay, some random good things about Britain:

* rule of law and our British common law roots

* TV Shows -- I like an old show called Absolutely Fabulous, cracks me up, while a lot of people still like Dr. Who which I could never quite get. In general, I can't stand to watch most British TV -- it's like watching a play at community theater. *However*, many of our best shows are just American versions of the British originals. I like the American version of Shameless. And then there's The Office, though I actually liked the British version better. Hm, and I like Gordon Ramsay's British shows but not so much his American stuff (on the American Kitchen Nightmares it's all about the yelling, there's more about the food on the British version)

* A bunch of other stuff I'm sure, that I can't think of at the moment. I was in London, once. Didn't care for it. The people and the whole vibe seemed very cold to me. Though one very nice elderly lady told me not to waste my money on the Tower of London tour. I wanted to see it, but no, she was insistent it was a waste, and so I didn't.

Police were exceptionally nice, though.

* As far as Brits visiting the States, I've never met one I didn't like, and I can't say that for my fellow Americans

[Sixstrings]

You obviously weren't involved in anti establishment protest

I went to an OWS protest once. I held a sign, waved at cars, got a tan and went back home. Most people honked and waved back. A few shot us the bird.

Have you ever been to leftwing protests? If so, why is it that your lefty principles don't extend to Russia? (oops wrong thread) But really, don't you see that the Maidan was an "anti-establishment" movement too, probably about all the same issues you care about in Britain?

I just don't get how a lefty can back Putin. You do realize it's not the USSR right, that he's not a socialist, right?

(sorry for thread derail, it was a funny thread I should have stayed out of it )

[dorlomin]

Just to prove I don't 'hate' Americans - even willing to have you back -

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

This is just a rehash of a joke from 2000.

Kids conceived when this joke was first dragged out are now in high school.

[dorlomin]

Looking forward to the influx of English hotties...

That is a comedy sketch, the "lass" in the pink is a gay, fat, male comedian.

[Quinny]

I also laughed back then. The old ones (sometimes re-hashed) are the best.

Lots of protests.
If anyone thinks I've ever backed Putin I must have been either pissed when I said it or I'm being misrepresented.

Of course the Maidan included anti establishment elements, but the extreme right wing have IMHO quite obviously taken advantage of the dissent to dramatically increase their powerbase.

You obviously weren't involved in anti establishment protest

I went to an OWS protest once. I held a sign, waved at cars, got a tan and went back home. Most people honked and waved back. A few shot us the bird.

Have you ever been to leftwing protests? If so, why is it that your lefty principles don't extend to Russia? (oops wrong thread) But really, don't you see that the Maidan was an "anti-establishment" movement too, probably about all the same issues you care about in Britain?

I just don't get how a lefty can back Putin. You do realize it's not the USSR right, that he's not a socialist, right?

(sorry for thread derail, it was a funny thread I should have stayed out of it )

[Lore]

Looking forward to the influx of English hotties...

That is a comedy sketch, the "lass" in the pink is a gay, fat, male comedian.

So, how does that misrepresent?